20 February 2012

Emotional Overload

Lately my nerves have felt a bit raw.

Emotions, unexplained, rushing -- crashing into each other in a whirlpool of crazy. Kinda like when you flush one of those high-powered toilets {the kind Peter hates!}. And then the unknown. Where does all that water disappear to?

Forgive the analogy. Phew. It's just super hard to explain how you're feeling when you don't know exactly what to expect. And you've never really done this before.

The whole leaving my family for twelve days and traveling half-way around the world to another country with a different language, culture, and climate and getting to explore my dreams thing. That. It leaves me feeling incredibly excited and terrified at the same time.

Feeling a whole bunch of emotions simultaneously can be a bit confusing. For me and well...definitely for my spouse. I've been super unpredictable {more than your average female!} -- crying tears of "I don't think you understand how I'm feeling" and "why doesn't this seem like a big deal to anyone but me?"

Wow. And I have two more nights at home to toss and turn in my bed and drive my poor husband crazy. I have just a couple things left to pick up at the store, little things. My travel pillow should arrive tomorrow courtesy of FedEx. I really don't have much to do. Besides watch my children play together and sneak craisins out of the pantry and smile their happiest, cheesiest grins at me.

OH I WILL MISS THEM.

I've got Little Women on my Android for in-flight entertainment, and lullabies to {hopefully} help with the long sleeping on the plane part. I've reviewed my packing list a thousand times. My clothes are mosquito proof thanks to my husband. I've left detailed instructions for grandma. I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

But that doesn't calm the scared/anxious/hesitant feeling.


And then what comes popping into my inbox, as if sent from God?
These words of comfort and encouragement from Holley -- "Sometimes it's as simple as rediscovering our joy, embracing our passion, taking the hand of the Good-Gift-Giver and daring to follow him over the edge. [...] When fear tells you to turn back--to stop following that dream, taking that step, making that difference--run toward joy."

I'm going to Africa. I plan to make a difference. I'm following a dream. One foot in front of the other. Leaving my heart behind, but taking it with me all at the same time -- open for new love. How can a heart be in two places at once?

Aaaaah. "As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. Psalm 103:11 The Message

Someone else has His heart in two places at once.

I'll take His hand for this journey.