12 October 2012

{words with friends} identity

Every few months or so, I have a big fat identity crisis. Today is it.

Who cares what I write about? Am I spending my time on things that really matter? Does my life bless anyone?

And then I realize I'm incredibly privileged to even have time to think such thoughts. The privilege to even assess my top priorities. This means all my basic needs are being met and I have time to think about my social needs at the top of the pyramid.

But I don't feel like my needs are being met.

And so I wonder -- what should I be doing differently? why do I feel burnt out on life? where did the enthusiasm go? the passion for doing things I love? why do I feel cynical, defeated?

Maybe it's just a phase. I do go through phases. Or maybe it's something I need to think about more.

What should I really be teaching my children? 
What should I spend my time thinking about? 
Who should I be trying to help? And should I focus on physical needs or spiritual? 
How can I make each minute of life here on this planet {not my home} count? 

Ideally, I would have social connections with people who share my deepest concerns, who want to do the same things I want to do. I would feel a sense of accomplishment, like the time I spend and the things I do are really of value. And I would feel like I'm living up to my potential, doing my best, doing my part, doing what matters. Ideally.

I've read enough books and enough blog posts to make me uncomfortable with my "normal" life, but now I don't know what to do. I feel too nervous to go out on my own without some sort of support network. I don't want to make rash decisions that send me out in some direction that God never planned for me. I just desperately want to live life fully, drinking it down raw and real.

And then I see this: 
http://vimeo.com/29023856
*lots of tears*

And this: 
I Wish I Had a Big Yellow Umbrella
*more tears*

And then I read this:
Westminster Catechism: "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."
*hmmm*

And then I think: 
God, I just want friends who would miss me. I want my family to love me that much. I want to live connected. I want to live helpful. I want to live meaning. I want to live glory. I want to live love.

But where do I go from here? What should we do all day? 
Try to earn money? Try to relax? Try to cook yummy food? What really matters?

Two more concepts I'm mulling over in relation to What To Do:
poverty tourism: http://scribingthejourney.com/when-the-world-gives-you-a-fistbump-and-it-changes-your-life and http://landlopers.com/2012/05/09/poverty-tourism/
the importance of coming back: http://bibledude.net/commitment/

That's it. Still thinking....