03 November 2012

{faith} answer to the why

So.

October was definitely a month fraught with questions and discontent.

I wondered about my purpose in life.

I wrote about feeling burnt out and empty.

I really wasn't feeling good. I'm still feeling somewhat weary.

But I'm gaining a bit of momentum and starting to look forward to the days ahead.

Obviously the answers to these questions aren't always easy to find. Life is multi-dimensional, full full full of beauty and complexity. I've heard it said that all the opportunity and choices in our modern life is actually causing much of our confusion and discontent. Ahh. But this is where we live and these are the places we'd like to go. So part of it is embracing the ugly messes of being mom and part of it is embracing who we are as privileged, loved, human beings. Part of it is smelling the sweet red curls on his head and part of it is taking a quiet walk by ourselves just before sunset.

There IS more to life than x, y and z, but sometimes we need to sing the alphabet song with gusto knowing that tomorrow and next year will bring other desires.

I'm getting all weird and metaphoric now, aren't I? ;)

Simply put: I will condition my hair and curl it some days and I will make them fresh play dough and sing silly songs and look forward to next year when I might have time to write my book.

It does help to see light at the end of the tunnel.
But we need to live in the present.
And take care of ourselves.
And dream our dreams.
And play with them.

So many ANDS. Which probably leads to the burnout. Trying to do it all. And then some. And then feeling desperate and giving up. And slumping into negative habit patterns and discouragement and apathy and why-do-I-do-all-this-stuff?

It's okay to ask that.
"I think the best words grab us underneath our armpits and yank us up higher and higher so we can finally see past ourselves and our lives and our days and to remind us of this: Asking IF there is something more to all of this – more to all of our lives — is one of the silliest questions we can ask. Now, hear me – it’s one of the easiest questions to ask, and I promise I’ve muttered it under my breath or under my heart often. If our hours and days and months are filled with diapers, reports, jobs that barely pay the rent, school committees, and ministry meetings, I think our most natural response is to just cast our eyes down and question: Is there more to this life? Is their purpose to my own life? What difference can I possibly make? To anyone or anything?"
Jessi Connolly in her book Be Quiet and Say Something
You know? Self care is super important. Exercise, vitamins, fresh air, sunshine, good food, hair care, good conversation, beautiful surroundings, a fulfilling occupation........really. I could go on. And parenting can really get in the way of these things for a season. And it's hard to find equilibrium. We'll always struggle with this.

But part of the longing, the aching? It's a God thing. 
Listen to Ann:
"Do you lay in bed some nights wondering what it is you keep stretching for… starving for?"

"When the problems before you seem to loom larger than the Power behind you, the purpose in living falls right out from underneath of you." 
Ann Voskamp, blogger at A Holy Experience
And I'm realizing that there is POWER outside myself that I could and should be tapping into...
And I'm remembering that there is Someone to talk to when I'm completely overwhelmed...
And I'm considering the burdens that I take upon myself when He is more than willing to shoulder them...
And I'm thinking about the responsibility I feel for raising boys who LOVE...
{and...}

Why do I always try to do it alone? I'm starving and stretching and aching and longing and He's not even two feet away. 

God, be tangible to me. Be strong for me. Be real inside me. 
Answer my questions. Lead me to ministry. Show me where you are at work. 
You know me. Remind me of this. Turn me to you.

"You know what's broken.
And we're not a mystery to You."
{lyrics from this song, Mended by Watermark}

Mended by Watermark on Grooveshark