15 January 2013

{faith} the struggle to surrender


My three year old struggled tonight.

Tired, but full of excuses why he couldn't get into bed yet. He kicked and screamed, back arched, yelling "don't talk to me!" He didn't want me to hold him. Didn't want me to sing. Didn't want me to do anything.

I sat on the bathroom floor next to him while he flailed, wailing. And I waited.


He eventually calmed down and climbed into my lap, resting his head on my shoulder. I said, "do you want me to sing to you?"

His whispered "yes" put a lump in my throat. I sang "Jesus Loves the Little Children", "God is so Good", "My God Loves Me" and "Amazing Grace". He relaxed. His breathing became louder and more rhythmic. His head began to roll down my arm.

I turned the light off and kept singing verses of Amazing Grace, holding his head up and putting my fingers through his soft hair.

More for me than for him.

Because I much prefer the calm, settled warm body in my arms than the struggling, fighting, angry one. I needed to feel his submission. I needed to feel the quiet bond between us.

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